Monday, April 20, 2009

Telling It Like It Is

So I've been avoiding my own blog for over two weeks. I have had some things on my mind, weighing me down, and sometimes it's scary to put those things in writing, ya know? I mean if I actually write down that I'm mad at So-and-so then I might really mean it. Or someone might read that I wrote it and tell So-and-so. Or... they might even ask me about being mad at So-and-so. And knowing myself as well as I do (it just makes me chuckle to write that-lol), I knew I would write about it if I came here. So even though I had all last week off from school for Spring Break, I avoided. But so many other things have happened since then that I want to tell you about so... let me just tell it like it is.

I'm scared to say I'm mad at God. If I say that, the lightning will surely come and I'll be one crispy critter. Not really of course but you know you've thought it too!! But whether I say it or not, He knows the truth. Before a word is on my tongue He knows it completely. (Psalm 139:4) He knows me inside out, upside down, and backwards. So let's just get to the heart of it. I'm mad, hurt, disappointed, and confused.

Even before marriage, and up until last fall, I have struggled with money. I had no idea how to budget or save and even the simplest things were hard for me because I lack self-control. This is my thorn in the flesh. But last fall we experienced a significant event in our family and it allowed us to get on our feet financially and through seeking God through that time, the way I think of money has really come to change. We've turned the corner onto the right track and things are going really well. We've been obedient in making committements to support things He's asked us to support. And almost simultaneously there were layoffs at hubby's plant and shift changes/loss of hours for hubby, and now I won't know until May if I can return to the school where I work in August. I know God loves me. The Bible tells me He'll surely care for me since he cares for the lilies and the sparrows. But why NOW? Why when things are finally good and we can breathe a sigh of RELIEF?

That state paired with the fact that we thought a tough situation was ending April 8 and it is seemingly going to continue, and continue even thougher, and I'm just in a state of confusion with God. Maybe mad, sad that things aren't going to be as easy right now as I had thought, disappointed that these struggles are continuing, and confusion over why. And I know, truly know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God could take all this pain away and that He could settle these situations in the blink of an eye. BUT HE HASN'T. Why? I finally told him last week, "Lord, I don't know what you want me to learn through these two issues, but I'm ready. I'm listening. Can we get on with it?" This has been my attitude for almost a week now. And it's constantly on my heart and mind. I'm wondering what I'm missing. I'm wondering what God's trying to teach me or tell me. Then I get to worship Sunday morning. It was kind of busy cause my Emma girl was getting baptized (look for detailed post in the near future) and my focus was not on Him. Until He showed up and tapped me on the shoulder.

My pastor is doing a series called "Lies We Believe" and this week's sermon was "Lies We Believe About our Circumstances" and he and God double teamed me! Lie #2 I have fallen for is that suffering is never God's will. Why not? Jesus suffered! Hebrews 5:8 says that although Jesus was a Son, He learned obedience through His suffering. Jesus learned from suffering... I am no better! Pastor Steve taught that I can deal with my circumstances by:
  1. keeping my focus on Jesus. (Hebrews 12:1-2)
  2. committing myself to God daily (1 Peter 2:23)
  3. experiencing daily spiritual renewal (2 Corinthians 4:16)
  4. remembering my future (Romans 8:17-18)
  5. cooperating with God (Romans 8:28-29)
  6. growing (Romans 5:3-5)
I practically ran to the altar in surrender! God is so good and no matter how mad or hurt I get, he is BIGGER! Do you hear me people?! HE'S BIGGER THAN ALL MY CIRCUMSTANCES! THAN ALL OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES! What a release to confess to Him that I could not do it and that I needed Him to come and carry this load for me. God is so good! Reminds me of that song... (pause the playlist at the very bottom before watching/listening to the video)
Jesus, lover of my soul
Jesus, I will never let You go
You've taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the rock
And now I know

I love you, I need you
Though my world may fall
I'll never let You go
My Savior, my closest friend
I will worship you until the very end

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